When the Novelty Wears Off (And the Real Connection Begins)

Change in this lifestyle is a guarantee. How you and your partner handle that evolution will either fortify your foundation or destroy everything good you’ve built. We talk a lot about shifting boundaries and updating rules, but there is an even bigger shift that happens over time: a complete change in what you are actually seeking.

This post is for the practicing members—the ones who have been around the block and are starting to feel the shift.

The NRE Phase
Most of us find the excitement of a new connection intoxicating, especially in the early days of figuring out how all of this works. They don’t call it New Relationship Energy (NRE) for nothing. There is a massive thrill in watching a stranger become a connection, and that connection turning into a physical attraction to explore. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or a long-time married couple; when that mutual desire hits, the urge to jump into bed and see what happens is powerful.

I was there. I remember navigating those initial steps until a single guy paid me just enough attention to get the butterflies going. Nothing ever actually happened with that first online connection, but it was enough to make me want to see what else was out there. It gave me the motivation to take the lifestyle seriously.

The Veteran Reality
Fast forward to now. There is a history of failed connections, but a much longer list of successes. I will freely admit that the bulk of my black book is comprised of brief encounters—the one-and-done nights, or a few randoms before the novelty simply wore off.

But through all of that, I learned what is actually fulfilling to me, and it isn’t the quick hook-up on a random Friday night.

When my husband and I finally allowed ourselves to embrace the friendship aspect of this lifestyle, we saw how deeply meaningful some of these relationships could become. That is when I learned the ultimate veteran truth: the sex is exponentially better when there is a real, authentic connection between two people.

The Takeaway
If you allow yourself to be open to the possibility of a connection that goes beyond surface-level physical attraction, you will find some incredible people buried in this lifestyle. There is a large percentage of us who make amazing friends—the type who truly love you for who you are and will show up for you in a heartbeat.

They might not wear a sign announcing that they are looking for depth, but the more authentic you are about what you want, the more likely you are to attract the right people.

If you’ve blasted through the newness, the attention, and the fast fun, and you find yourself feeling like the empty encounters no longer satisfy you… listen to that feeling. It might be your signal to slow down. Don’t be afraid to make actual friends in this space. Just always remember to be truthful, and above all, respectful of your home relationship and your partner.