A huge shout-out to Dave94015 for commenting on my last post and inquiring on the status of the gentleman I met at the club. Let me see if I can summarize the last two weeks or so.
The drive home was a mix of deep conversation and general get-to-know-you chit-chat. I was personally impressed how well me managed to engage ourselves for the 6 hours drive. I will give him most of the credit though, he’s great at making conversation!
Even though we had what felt like a ton to work out once we got home and the relationship drama that occurred, I was still having a great time and was personally in no hurry to arrive at our destination. The closer we got the heavier my heart felt, something was definitely right amongst what may have felt very wrong, and I just wanted to know my departure wouldn’t signal and change in our explorations.
I didn’t hang around with him and the Mrs. very long, I felt they needed their time to reconnect and begin any pressing discussions they may have had. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally down for a triple cuddle pile and the possibility of another night in his arms, but at this point my needs and desires were irrelevant to the situation. I said my goodbyes and made the tear-filled drive home.
It was a tough week. Between him simply being busy with work and my desire to respect their boundaries and give them the time and space they needed, communication was minimal leaving ample time for my head to play games with me. You have to be prepared for some emotional roller coasters if you are venturing down a road of connection. I was sure things were going to end up in a basic friendship arrangement and the sexual/poly/thruple thing was dead in the water. He was too devoted to her to bring any real risk into their circle.
Into that next week we made plans to finally get together and chat, partly because I needed some direction and felt it was appropriate to ask for such. We would be seeing each other at the club that weekend and I needed to know where my head should be in order to enjoy myself.
This was key!
Sure we would text as a group and communication lines were open, but talking in person, was super important. Honestly, it wasn’t a super long discussion. They asked for my expectations first and I declined saying their thoughts were more important. As the third (think extra) there will be a lot more adjusting for me, at least initially, so if their ideas are totally out of my idea or comfort zone then there’s not too much I can do beside express my feelings.
He spoke to issues with having the time to share with us individually and how he viewed this as more of a all three of us generally together and not just him and I. He wants her involved and not left without support if she needs it.
She spoke to realizing she can’t always rely solely on him and that she has other friends she could turn to in a situation that requires listening ears and calming words.
I was glad to hear what she said but wasn’t totally on board with him. At the same time I knew this was new to him and in reality my time demands would be probably lower than he’s anticipating so this is where I took the chance allowing myself to go with his thoughts without feeling as though I was forcing myself to conform unrealistically. I have no problem hanging out with her and past event have already shown she’s not too hung up on him and I having solo sexual time, so I agreed to go with the flow until I could no longer go with the flow.
What does that mean? It means my expectations are low and very minimal at this point. I will look for opportunities to be with them and utilize them however possible. I will follow their lead, only initiating slightly when I feel a small push might work. I’m taking it at their pace, and that pace is probably slow, and that’s okay!
It also means if the day comes where I’m no longer able/comfortable/fulfilled at this pace I will speak up. Not in a rude or demanding way but through another appropriate conversation. There’s a BDSM aspect of this I’m also looking to explore which is going to require some solo play time with him. If that’s proving impossible then maybe this isn’t really what I’m after and reevaluating that is only fair for everyone involved.
So, long story short, we are still moving forward together. I’m still totally infatuated and full of NRE (new relationship energy) and really hope this continues to grow in a healthy and happy way. Poly can be a beautiful thing, but only if you’re willing to do the work required.
Stay tuned, this story will continue to develop…
Do you think that by not telling them your expectations that the relationship may go in the wrong direction? The way I read them, they’re favoring a “go slow and see what happens” approach. Maybe this would be an opportunity for you to take the lead? There is that “you keep me hanging on” attitude that can be tiresome especially if you’re ready to move forward into this relationship. When I’ve been with couples with a weak interest I nudge them to decide and assure them I will respect their decision.
I have expressed some of my expectations, I’m not completely just following along 🙂
Based on my interactions thus far, he’s not quite ready for a nudge and honestly it’s only been a little over a month so even I’m still feeling things out. I’ve had several guys run away scared when I pushed too fast, maybe I am approaching a little too cautious, but so far it feels like the right speed.
It seems like you’re in a delicate situation but caution may be better than losing all. Why did some guys get ‘cold feet’ ? Were they expecting something different?