Pineapples, Perfume and Poly… Oh My!

I think I’ve previously mentioned I’ve been dabbling in the open lifestyle world for a while now, and I like to think I’ve had a nice variety of experiences, some good and some bad. I think the foundation of my experience truly lies within my first true experience. As a couple we met a couple and dove in headfirst, without too much thought… sometimes you simply follow the hormones, NRE, and let the brain catch up later.

I think in the matter of a few months I went from brand new, to learning about polyamorous relationships, and let me tell you, it was quite a jump! I spent time reading, researching, listening to podcasts (I’m a huge fan of Life on the Swing Set) and reading some more. In theory, most of it made sense when you opened you mind and truly thought about it. I’m not sure we, as humane, are meant to be monogamous, but that’s another entry for another day.

We tried poly as a quad and I think the one thing I learned that I would want anyone dabbling with the poly concept to know is this:

There is no right way to do poly!

You can read about relationship arrangements and different ways of classifying people. You can try and place someone into a role, expecting them to conform to the teachings of “experts”. You can set out rules and expectations of those involved.

Although all of that is good to begin with, if you aren’t able or willing to be fluid in whatever arrangement you begin, you’ll never make it. If you’re not willing to discuss your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly with those involved in your relationships, you’ll never make it. If you try and fit into a mold that someone else outlines as the arrangement you want, you’ll never make it.

There’s no right way to do poly. There’s only your way!

Your way is simply that, what works for YOU. Then you take what works for you and find out if and how that can fit in with those you are growing close to. Hopefully you didn’t go shopping for your poly partners but have found them organically through appropriate interactions. Hopefully poly has been more a concept in the back of your mind, not your driving goal. Hopefully you’re not trying to force anything!

Right now, I am spending time with a gentleman who I met through my visits to the club and over the last few weeks things have gone from casual, passing pleasantries to extended orgasms and emotional tears. Why am I currently at this point? Not because I woke up two weeks ago and decided to make him a solid part of my life, but I decided I was open to seeing what may or may not develop between us.

During experiences together we are starting to learn we both are connecting on a deeper level than just a sexual partner. He doesn’t have any real experience with poly but his significant other does. She is open to allowing him to explore this with me, and her and I are also becoming great friends. My husband is open to allowing the relationship to evolve, so all affected parties are consenting and aware.

Open and aware is, in my opinion, the best way to approach any secondary relationship, but I know some couples share more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. Again, this is what works best for you, and those joining you arrangement will then decide for themselves if your arrangement fits with how they’d like things to progress. Personally, I’m not a fan of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, as it opens the doors to unethical activity, so I tread lightly around those in a DADT arrangement until I trust it’s all ethical and above board. That’s not me saying what they are doing is “wrong”, that’s me saying I’m doing what I feel is best for me in relation to the arrangement I am entering.

I feel like I might be talking in circles some an getting a little long-winded, so let me tighten my focus on where I wanted this entry to go.

Being fluid and flexible and able to adapt, understand and support – those are important qualities in a partner and in a poly relationship. Case and point, I was given the opportunity to get away with my potential poly partner. All parties involved gave their consent for the trip and I packed up and hit the road with him.

Now his primary partner ended up having a bad day personally with some job drama and personal struggles and her main support was hours away, with me. She needed him and I had two choices. I could fight, get angry that she’s taking my time away, feel entitled because she agreed to giving us this opportunity and is now infringing. Or, I could understand her feelings and support them both with encouragement and love, thus showing my presence as a benefit and not a hinderance.

I didn’t get angry but enjoyed the time I was given. I helped support him as he supported her. I offered my understanding of the need to communicate with her. I was present but not in their business more than they offered. I did exactly what I hope would be done for me if I was in the situation. I let the evening evolve organically, without expectation and I think we all went to bed happy.