Rules Are for Classrooms: What 14 Years of ENM Taught Me to Forget
When my husband first convinced me to step into this world back in 2012 with the classic line, “It’s just a great way to make friends,” I came reluctantly without much direction. Did we need a clipboard with a list of rules, a set of “if-then” scenarios, and how would we know how to protect our marriage from every possible scratch?
By day, I work in education and I know that kids need rules to stay safe. But after over a decade in the lifestyle, I’ve realized that while children need rules, relationships need boundaries.
As I was debating my next blog entry I decided to sit down and really think about where I started and where I am today. I think these are the three biggest things we’ve had to “unlearn” to keep our adventure sustainable, ethical, and fun.
1. The Myth of “Veto Power”
In the beginning, we had a “Veto.” It was a safety net—the ultimate “Stop” button if one of us felt uncomfortable. This wasn’t meant as a “I’m not into him/her/them” but more for when someone or something truly created a sense of unbalance or insecurity. But here is the truth behind the veto: A veto doesn’t solve insecurity; it just pauses the conversation. Unlearning the veto meant learning how to say, “I’m feeling anxious about this connection, can we talk through why?” instead of just shutting it down. Veto power can become a big issues within a couple if it’s abused or used without reason and explanation. Don’t rely on the power of a veto button, rely on your ability to communicate and talk things through.
2. The “No Feelings” Fallacy
Early one we met a couple where the husband spoke of his girlfriend. My husband could not wrap his head around the idea of having a girlfriend, saying that was something he’d never be able to do.
Guess what? He was wrong! Within the year we were all in with another couple exploring the world of polyamory as a quad. Humans are messy and relationships are tricky. Trust me when I saw you can’t spray-paint a “No Emotions Allowed” sign on a connection and expect it to work. I’ve unlearned the fear of “feelings” and replaced it with transparency. Poly ideas and theories are for another post, but love can be leveled and shared. It is very possible to care about someone else without it taking away from the foundation you have at home. That’s the “perfume”—it’s a scent that lingers, and that’s okay.
3. Privacy vs. Secrecy
There comes a point where you start to begin revealing aspects of this life to your vanilla friends and family. It was when my mother essentially accused my husband of cheating on me that I had to fess up to her. I used to think I was keeping this all a secrete. Hiding the truth. In reality I was protecting my own privacy, something we all have the right to do.
There is a massive difference between secrecy (lying to avoid consequences) and privacy (choosing who gets to see your intimate world). Yes, we still keep secrets, but never from each other. If you are lying to avoid drama within your relationship, this may grow into a problem. If you’re keeping the secret from your morality clause employer, have at it!
Real Experience for the Ethically Curious
If you are just starting out, or if you’ve been at this as long as I have, know this: your “clipboard” is going to change. The rules you start with are meant to be fluid and outgrown.
We are still here, still learning, and still finding that perfect mix of sugar and spice.
What’s one “rule” you started with that you’ve since tossed in the trash? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your “unlearning” journey.