The Digital Handshake: A Veteran’s Guide to Vetting

When I first dipped my toes into the lifestyle back in 2012, I’ll admit it: I was thrilled with any level of attention. My phone would buzz, and I’d respond quickly to just about anyone.

Fast forward over a decade later, and my approach has drastically changed. The lifestyle is absolutely about exploration and sexual focus, but there is a distinct line between being an adventurous adult and just being a creepy perv. If you want to get past the digital lobby and into my real life, you have to pass the vetting process.

Whether you’re a newbie trying to figure out why your messages are being ignored, or a veteran looking to refine your own boundaries, here is my personal “No-Nonsense” guide to vetting.

1. The Profile “Dress Code” (and the Infamous Photo Critique)

Some of the biggest things I take into immediate consideration when scrolling are the visible signs of effort. An empty profile is an immediate “No.” If you can’t tell me something about who you are, what you’re after, or give me a single conversational thread to pull, what am I supposed to do with just a photo?

And speaking of photos… yes, the lifestyle community is incredibly welcoming and less judgmental than the vanilla world, but your photos are still open to critique.

• The Hobbies: Sure, hunting and fishing photos portray your interests, but please don’t make the dead fish your only photo.
• The Attitude: I cannot tell you how many profiles I’ve scrolled past where the guy is literally giving the camera the middle finger. Look, I’ll flip someone off too, but not when I’m trying to impress them.
• The Discretion: Do you have to have a face photo? No. I completely respect privacy and the need for discretion. However, if your profile is photoless, there needs to be a written explanation of why and when you’d be open to sharing them securely.

2. The “No-Hello” Policy

If you message me first, I need to know you actually took the time to read the profile I took the time to write.

A simple “Hey” or “Hello” tells me nothing about your background, your story, or your reasons for exploring ethical nonmonogamy. Introduce yourself. Point out an aspect of my profile that caught your attention. Tell me why you chose to message me.

I personally love textual banter. I can learn a lot about our potential chemistry just from texting. If a person can’t initiate a conversation with a little bit of effort, I usually assume they’re just fishing for photos, and I move on.

3. The “Generic Coffee” Vibe Check

If the texting goes well and those digital sparks are flying, it’s time to move to the real world. Even after a decade, I still get first-meet nerves! You rarely know exactly what you are walking into until you’re sitting across from them.

I always prefer to keep the first meet somewhere public and casual. While I love high-end roasters for my morning cup, I find a standard Starbucks is generic enough for a simple “hello” conversation. It’s neutral ground—the perfect low-pressure environment to see if there is any real, in-person chemistry worth exploring.

4. The “Second Location” Strategy

I tend to plan my meetups based on how the texting phase went. If we had incredible banter and I’m walking into the coffee shop with a really good feeling, I might leave my evening open. If the vibe check is a success, having a plan that allows for a “second location”—somewhere a bit more private—is a great way to let the “Spice” take over.

But at the end of the day, my biggest piece of advice for anyone navigating this lifestyle is this: Go without expectations, and be open to opportunities.

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What is your absolute biggest profile red flag? Have you ever had a “generic coffee” date turn into an amazing second location? Let’s talk about it in the comments!